I have been shipwrecked on the coast of God,
And ankle-deep in frigid, lapping froth,
I scanned the dim horizon for a sail.
To build up fires of curling signal smoke
I stooped and found dry branches from the trees
Whose fragrant fruit leaned down around my head.
I thirsted, splashing in no inland springs,
But sullen on the sandy, rocky shore
I strove in useless straining to escape
The crushing truth: I know no other land.
Karyn pointed out that "fragrant" in the 6th line was too easy, and we also had problems with the last two lines and said the images there needed to fit better with the rest of the poem. Here's the new draft. Attempts to address those two issues are the only changes:
I have been shipwrecked on the coast of God,
And ankle-deep in frigid, lapping froth,
I scanned the dim horizon for a sail.
To build up fires of curling signal smoke
I stooped and found dry branches from the trees
Whose fruit on tenuous stem swung near my head.
I thirsted, splashing in no inland springs,
But sullen on the sandy, rocky shore
I set my mind to dry the pounding, blue
Enormous truth: I know no other land.
What do you think? I don't know if it works yet.
5 comments:
The image in the last two lines is much improved in this draft. :)
I think this is a much stronger close than the earlier draft. But I'm not sure about "whose fruit on tenuous stem swung near my head." I think that's the weakest line in the poem. I like "tenuous stem," and I like the irony of ignoring the nourishing fruit in your frantic need to escape, but I still feel like the wording could be stronger. I think "swung near my head" just feels too plain.
Thanks, Emily and Kurt.
How about this for line 6:
"Whose fruit rinds jostled over my bent neck."
?
I like that.
the line about the fruit I believe has much improved, I really like the imagery, the second to last line I don't think works very well though, at least in my mind. How the line was originally was better I think. The last line is very good, I like it. "Enormous Truth: I know no other land" It's a great and wonderous line. :) Good work.
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