So this is still a very rough draft. I suspect that before I'm finished, the whole thing will be metered. The free verse stuff captures the general language and imagery that I'm liking at the moment. I don't have a copy of the first draft with me, so those of you who haven't read it or don't remember it, just treat this as a first draft.
A little background for those who aren't familiar with the story of Tantalus and Pelops: Tantalus was a Greek king who was the favorite of the gods. One day he threw a banquet for the gods in his palace, and served as the main fare the flesh of his son: Pelops. Demeter was the first to taste the meat, and as soon as she did, the gods realized what Tantalus had done. They were enraged, sentanced him to be chained to a rock in hell, with a pool of water at his feet that dried up every time he tried to drink of it, and a bunch of grapes hanging from a branch above his head that were blown out of his reach by the wind every time he tried to grab one. He is starved and thirsty for eternity. His son was restored to life, except for a chunk missing from his shoulder where Demeter took her bite.
Spit in thine eye, cries Tantalus the Man
To gods who sit in judgment
Over inadequate welcome-gifts.
The sacrifice of Abraham once made,
And once accepted though returned unused,
Now offered freely, unsolicited
Has been found lacking.
Worse than lacking: offensive, cruel.
But not cruel in the mind of a father,
Unless it be the cruelty of gods
Who do not make their wishes clearly known
And arrive uninvited for dinner.
For Tantalus the Man is not Abraham.
He has no manna from on high,
No ambrosial fare fit for Holy guests
And knows no hospitality but this:
That he lay down the life of his son,
Precious fruit of his man-flesh
To feed the appetite of immortals.
But now he stands alone, accused, alone,
Condemned by those he sought to honor most.
For there does Pelops wait in shadowy wing
Behind the throne of Zeus, and makes his case.
Plaintiff phantasmal showing tattered eye
And masticated shoulder now in shreds,
He does not comprehend his father’s choice
But only feels the slash of gruesome blade.
So Tantalus the Man recieves his doom
And slouches toward the everlasting hunger.
As Charon anchors manacles infernal
The gods nod in approval, sated, full.
Still a long way to go I think, but its getting there. This poetry stuff is kind of fun.
2 comments:
I wasn't around when you read this the first time, so forgive me if I'm staying stuff that's already been said. I like the concept you have going here -- the biblical half-parallels, the accusations.
The meter and sound work in the last two stanzas are good, especially the last line. I agree that it would probably better if it were all metered.
I don't think "Worse than lacking: offensive, cruel" is strong enough to merit being its own stanza -- it doesn't justify the amount of attention you're drawing to it.
The first 5 stanzas feel kind of cluttery to me, and I don't think it's just the meter.
The 6th stanza gives a clear and well-drawn scene, but before that I think you're trying to get ideas across with fewer pictures and it's liable to ramble. Maybe you could actually give us Tantalus' banquet and Abraham's offering as narratives (or at least tableaux), and then the ideas you're trying to convey would have more anchor, and you could get a more unified feel.
If you don't want to do that, I think you should consider condensing the first 5 stanzas and trusting your readers to pick up on the dynamics so you don't have to declare them extensively.
The last 2 stanzas work really well, though. The close (new since the draft you brought to Scribblers) is very strong. Is "slouches toward" a deliberate Yeats echo?
Yes, this poetry stuff is indeed "kind of fun." No need to bother Dr. Engel with your leanings toward the dark side, though. ;)
I'm percolating options for that fruit line in the shipwreck poem, so I'll try to comment with something soon.
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