Dust
I scrubbed and scraped and scoured my skin
Till most of the African dust came off.
It took most of the skin with it.
Tan lines from sandals fade after a few months,
And bleach removes dust-colored stains.
Forgive me.
I can’t always talk about the dust.
Sometimes I can’t speak at all.
Forgive me if I don’t tell you
About a calculating lioness
Crouched in spiked grass,
Or about the gazelle
That almost didn’t get away.
Forgive me
If I can’t tell you
About an orphaned child’s dirty diapers,
Or about her smile,
Or about how her bottom lip stuck out
When she cried.
Forgive me if I can’t talk about the dust itself,
But know that everything I say is stained by it.
(Or at least it ought to be.
Minds shouldn’t be like skin or clothes.)
Forgive me
If I show you a picture, instead,
Of someone you’ll never know,
Of a smile, or a tear, or a snotty nose,
On glossy paper.
Forgive me for using that photo as a weapon.
4 comments:
I really like the first half of it. I think the "forgive me if I. . ." anaphora gets a little bit too long, perhaps sinks into sentimentality?
And then, I'm confused at the end. Are you talking about a real photo or are you talking about this poem in the metaphor of a photo? Because, you ARE telling us things, so how can we forgive you for not telling us if you are telling us? Maybe I'm thinking too hard.
Also, the word "weapon" strikes very harshly after "smile, tear, snotty nose" . . . I'm trying to see how you're using it as a weapon, but I'm not getting the whole way there. Hope that makes some sense.
Spiffy. This still needs a bit of tuning, but it's definitely a running poem now. :)
I think the ending is good, and I know what you mean by using a photo as a weapon, but yes, the repeated "forgive me" is in danger of soppy emodom. I'm not quite sure whether it's too much, but you're in danger. Also in danger of emodom is "Minds shouldn't be like skin or clothes." Think about those.
Images: You've got some really great ones, but you also have some wimpy ones you need to bring up to level. Great ones: tan lines, the lioness bit, the diapers, the bottom lip. You can do better than: smile (2x), tear, possibly snotty nose.
But yes, this is working now. You win!
lovely! i think i like the first few stanzas the best - and i would love to see you extend the weapon metaphor.
best draft yet.
your last line is your strongest and most severe... the word "weapon" is noticeably harsher than every other noun in the poem.
i've just read everybody else's feedback and see that they at least seem to agree.
"everything i say is stained by it" and "photo as a weapon" seem like the thrusts of two different poems.
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