So, here are a couple of off-brand Karyn poem attempts I made, though I cannot hope to emulate the real Karyn.
I can't quite dispense with capital letters, but I did awkward line breaks, and (unlike last time) it isn't concealed pentameter. :-P Criticism is welcome.
I wonder if my dog is
jealous
when I walk him in the morning
because
last night
I dreamed of
cats.
And another:
Some blushes
sting from the back of God's
bony hand
across your
own cheekbone.
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3 comments:
I do like them both, jo. They're different for you, but they are still you. In fact, the first one seems shallow for you, but I'm glad you wrote it. More.
The second has some strange meter. What are you going for? Is this an angst poem in disguise? I want to know what's behind this poem. Why the feeling of being hurt by God? Why so startling?
the idea of concealed pentameter made me laugh so hard... is it really that difficult not to write in meter? i can't for the life of me get meter to be automatic.
the second one actually reminds me of a sentence my dad uses with telling frequency:
"maybe you need a cosmic dope-slap?"
Thanks, Karyn and Nathan.
Nathan, on the first one, was there a reason you want more of this other than that I experiment more? That's a legitimate reason, and one I shall heed. But I'm having trouble justifying this as a real poem, so if you did, please let me know how.
On the second one, (as hard as this may be to believe) I hadn't actually analyzed the rhythm except a quick check to see that it really didn't have any meter. ;) It isn't meant to be an angst poem. You're on the right track thinking the slap is needed, Karyn. I was thinking of a deserved divine smack in the face with the blush -- maybe the kind of blush when you suddenly become aware that you've been wrong. So it isn't about being victimized by God at all. Do you think more of that needs to go in the poem? I was thinking the blush communicated that I'm in the wrong, but I don't know. Thoughts?
Karyn, hehe, I can write things not in meter, but I find it hard to leave them not in meter. I don't feel I have a good sense for whether the sound of free verse is working or not without direct structure. I can tell when I read other people's free verse, but I get confused with mine. But I also like meter, so obsessive insecurity isn't the sole reason I do it. ;)
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