so this was written many moons ago, when the earth was much younger, but i found it the other day and remembered that nothing had been posted here in a while, so have at it. it was actually an early precursor to my story published in shook foil.
When he saw you down on Hampton looking lively and alive,
Was that merely Chinese lantern sleight of hand:
Some fleet memory, behind a veil of candid innocence,
From a former life now lost in shifting sand?
Once you lived alone in splendor, waiting naked by the phone
In the hollow of your swank Manhattan digs,
Cultivating rough hewn calluses, maturity in youth;
It could never be a life of wine and figs.
But self-banishment does not suffice, such penance will not do
On the outskirts of this worn and rusted place.
Dr Heidegger has no respite to soothe this older you,
Etching shadows in that sweet unbroken face.
See the tattered shroud of memory attempt to find a cure:
Tracing specters of emaciated thought
As you struggle with your demons, still skull deep in mellow jack,
Only praying to escape the prize you’ve bought.
The beautiful insanity that lit upon your brain
For a moment, while that adolescent stood
In his ignorance unable to do anything but watch
And perhaps reluctant even if he could,
Has eaten what was left of you, the choicest morsels gone,
Leaving nothing but illusion-riddled scraps
And your burned out elegance lies dying, bleeding in the dust.
Don’t speak now. Please. There’s nothing left to say.
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2 comments:
- Watch the cliches and similar careless images -- "veil of innocence," "shifting sand," and such.
- I'm not sure what this rhythm is doing for your content. Hmm, now that I look at it I'm not sure what the rhythm is doing in general. I'll look at it more later if you want.
- I like "emaciated thought" but "tattered shroud of memory attempt to find a cure" seems haphazard as an image and also overdramatic.
- You introduce the boy (you, I suppose from the Shook Foil story) in the second to the last stanza. Maybe he's the "he" from the first line, but this is still the first time he shows up as a real character. The tone changes kind of abruptly there. What would happen if you put him in earlier and/or acknowledged him as a FP speaker?
- Again, watch for consistence in images: "burned out elegance lies . . . bleeding" feels a bit muddled.
- The last line works really well.
This has some really good images in it -- I like "etching shadows" and "beautiful insanity" (even though of course I'd read it before) and "illusion-riddled scraps". The pauses in the last line are strong.
If I hadn't read "Her Beautiful Insanity" before, I'm not sure I'd know what was actually going on. I'd second Jo's comment that having a first-person narrator might help with that.
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