I brought this a few weeks ago, and I've just made a couple of little changes. I'm mostly posting it for Katie and Tim, but if any suggestions come to mind, they're welcome. Karyn, enjoy the awkward line breaks. ;)
Town Lake
breaking from cool roost
(as we come near) fall
upward on the sky
with scattering of
sharp, black feathertips.
I stand unsteady
in the shifting bow
and stretch to catch and
clip a spray of blooms.
With the snip’s jerk the
petals break on me
and on the boat and
water like the wings
break on the sky.
Skin on a turtle’s neck
is like a bright maze
or a winding map
of park trails. “You Are
Here,” the eye’s dot says
and slaps into the
lake with breaking drops
that scatter like the
petals or the wings.
(v. 3)
4 comments:
I can't tell exactly what you've changed since the first draft of this, but I got more out of it this time. So whether that's something you did, or just the benefit of a second reading, I don't know.
I really like the part about the turtle. It's vivid and fun.
I know we said this last time, but I'm still not crazy about "anhingas" in the first line.
I like it . . . after reading it a few times it makes some sense . . . I don't mind the anhingas, but I don't see the significance of that particular choice of bird.
Yeah, the turtle part is good.
The like break of "break on me / and on the boat . . ." leads my mind into thinking you're going to have a compound sentence since the line break almost takes the place of a comma there. . .also petals breaking on the boat and water isn't a common phrase, so I'm not expecting that to parallel the "on me". just a picky thing. :)
Thanks, Emily and Nathan.
I shall reconsider the anhingas and that line break.
oh joanna - i love it. really i do. i don't fully appreciate the anhingas thing, but if its needed, thats fine.
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